Several weeks ago, my big brother took his life, at only 61. I hadn’t seen him in seven years, and had learned of him through his girlfriend on Facebook. She contacted me and I listened to her explain the circumstances while I sat in my car, stunned. How could a multi-talented, athletic, literary, motivated and capable man end up dead in a car, having given up on life altogether?
As I listened to her piece together the last years of my brother’s life I heard the thread. She quoted him as repeatedly saying that he was “only taking up space.” That he “couldn’t make her happy.” Other toxic comments, clearly taken out of what he was saying repeatedly to himself.
She had spent years trying to bolster him, and redirect his thinking. Unfortunately, my brother would pull events out of his childhood and angrily focus on them as reasons to be bitter, reasons he wasn’t happy or successful today. She would point out that each day was a day to recreate possibilities but he wasn’t open to such words.
My brother was subject to terrible mood swings, and had prescriptions he refused to take. As a result, he had alienated all but one or two of his lifelong friends. By the time he took his life, he had few left who were invested in his future, and he took this as proof that no one cared any more. This added greater toxicity to his internal conversation.
The truth is that he had, and made choices. Like all of us, he had pain in his life. He also had the choice to allow that pain to make him stronger, more compassionate, wiser. Instead, the WordFood he fed himself was bitter and self pitying.
I loved my brother and I am sorry that the world lost a talented man. But Peter talked himself into a selfish act that damaged a great many people.
It speaks to how powerful self talk can be, that we can persuade ourselves to take away the greatest single gift we have been given: the right to live, to be, to thrive, to make a difference.
As I wake up each day, I thank my big brother for the reminder of the sacred gift that we are all given, to speak to ourselves with the respect we deserve, to honor the journey we are on, to ask for help and guidance through the tough stuff which is inevitable and important, and to embrace each day with all its challenges with humor, dignity and courage.