WordFood

WordFood - how we feed or starve our realtionships

- Julia Hubbel

Julia’s ability to get this group of type-A executives to engage in true networking was incredible. She is truly skilled at motivating the group to engage and interact with each other, and her openness and honesty really come through.

— Shelley Stewart, Jr.,
Senior Vice President of Operational Excellence and Chief Procurement Officer, Tyco

November 30, 2012

WordFood of Respect

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 5:59 pm

The old man was struggling up the breezeway ahead of me, his boarding pass in his left hand, his bag in his right. Periodically he would reach out for balance and touch the walk, taking small, hestitant steps on his way to the regional jet that would take us from Milwaukee to Denver early this morning. His hair, a brilliant white against his dark blue baseball cap, belied his age. I walked slowly behind him.

As he started up the narrow plank to get on the plane he started to trip and I caught his arm, and the attendant inside took over for me. He greeted her enthusiastically and they spoke for a few minutes, and she got him settled into his seat.

After landing in Denver, I picked up my bags and was on my way out when I saw him again. This time, he was seated in a wheelchair, with an airport attendant at the ready. His family had picked up his bags and was busily directed traffic around him.

What bothered me was their language.

“Take him over here,” the daughter said, right over his head.

“No, he needs to go to the other exit,” said a man who appeared to be her husband. This conversation went on for several minutes over the man’s white head.

The attendant swiveled his head between the two, looking for leadership. The old man looked defeated and lonely.

“He” had a name. “He” wasn’t a piece of luggage or a bag of garbage to be moved around. And “he” could also hear himself being discussed as though he was deaf and dumb. He was being dismissed as a human being by all three people around him, and he knew it.

It was offensive to me that this apparent family member was being so casually discussed without the courtesy of using his name. However this is done in hospitals and rest homes and facilities everywhere. Caregivers do this without thinking. Family members talk over their so called loved ones as though they have no emotions. Clearly this man did, and he didn’t much like it.

Perhaps this man was a war veteran. Perhaps he was a beloved uncle or granddad. I have no idea. I don’t know the family dynamics. No one ever does. What I do know is that especially with our elders, and with anyone who is disabled or in a wheelchair, there is a real call for love and respect, and the acknowledgment of their humanity. To not be treated as a piece of beefsteak being carted from place to place.

Everyone has a name, a history, a place. When it is your turn in the wheelchair, your turn in bed with caretakers talking above you like a piece of stale fried chicken, remember. This especially is a time for love. We all simply want to be noticed and acknowledged.

November 24, 2012

Holiday WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:25 am

Thanksgiving is over and Christmas season is now in full swing. My Christmas decorations are piled in my laundry room ready to take upstairs today while the college football games play in the background. It’s always a fun day, changing out the last of the Turkey Day trimmings for the fancy Santas and lovely angels that will decorate my mantel and sit on the chairs and furniture all through the house.

One of the statistics that is disconcerting about the holiday season is that Americans tend to gain about ten to fifteen pounds over the holiday period, and many of us have a terrible time losing that weight, if we do at all. It’s certainly the time of year you and I look forward to with all the lovely food and Christmas cookies and certainly the best treats of the year. But all too often the best food of the year is mixed with the worst WordFood of the year when families get together and don’t treat each other with the kind of kindness and respect that they could.

I have a dear person in my life who now avoids his family at holiday time for that very reason and it pains him greatly. Arguments and disagreements cause so much strife at Christmas that he no longer visits. Family is important to him, and it hurts me to see this happen in his life. He is not alone. Many families experience this during this emotional time of year.

If this is a challenge for you and your family, I would offer this up. Consider putting aside the petty arguments and differences that tend to rise among you as family members. Remember instead what draws you together, what makes you family. Why you care about each other. Don’t rise to the bait when someone pushes a button that was installed years ago. This takes courage but you can do it. Respond instead with gentility and grace, and remember what these holidays are truly for. You will forever be glad you did. The next holiday that family member may not be present. We simply do not know what the year may bring.

The true food of the holidays is what we say to each other with courtesy, respect, regard and love. How we treat each other with kindness. These are the lasting memories. Not the gifts, not the food. It is the WordFood that leaves us warmed from the soul with love we bear each other.

November 11, 2012

WordFood of Tolerance

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 5:08 pm

My best friend Lori sent me a piece by  Ben Stein this morning which addressed the need for God and religion in our society, our schools, and in our lives. His comments had been featured on CBS on Sunday morning and been sent around the Internet, and part of his comment was that because the email was about God, it was likely not to be forwarded as much as lewd jokes or cartoons. He has a point.

In my book WordFood I talk about how it’s easy to be consumed by popular culture, by tabloids, gossip, distractions. This is what I call Junk Food. Like potato chips and other snacks, it’s addictive, fun to consume, fattening, and extremely bad for you. Ultimately it takes up precious space in the mind where more positive, nutritious information could be building us: education, professional and personal development, motivational tapes that challenge you to a higher quality of thinking. And yes, religious study, whatever that may look like to you.

Every one of us is animated by something larger, some gift, that gives us life. And I believe powerfully that while we have life, we owe a good life to the power that gave us that life. Most of us were brought up within some kind of belief system. Some of us go find something that speaks to us more personally. Some create a system by which we establish a discipline, and this is the key word here, to live, worship, and respect others’ way of being in the world. But whatever that practice may be, it involves a discipline of mind, and a humbling of oneself to a greater power, and an effort to see that good that exists in all humankind.

To the extent that we are insistent upon filling our minds with Junk Food about celebrities who are less than stellar, about sports figures who take drugs, we miss out on the everyday heroes who people our neighborhood.  There is much to study about ourselves that is valuable. To fill our minds with how to be better citizens and life students and better friends.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little Junk Food now and then. Even I know how Kim Kardashian is, if only because I stand too long in the 15 item line. It just seems to me that given the great variety and beauty of sacred texts in the world, and how they exhort us to treat each other with respect, perhaps this might be  balancing fare to the ugliness of “Survivor: The Phillipines.”

What we feed our minds informs our language. It informs how we treat each other every day. Road rage is the result of a daily diet of stress, a lack of graciousness and the need to be right no matter what. And people are dying because someone gets cut off a few inches in traffic.This isn’t us.

Whether we read a Bible, a Koran, a Torah or any other sacred text, it grounds is in what is truly important in life: respect for life, humility for our place in the vastness of all of Creation, and a hope that we can make a difference.

When it  comes to the intensely private and personal issue of what we all are guided by, this is an unknowable. But I can say this: that a change in  our WordFood Diet is a fine thing when we want to change the way we perceive, and are perceived, in the world.

November 6, 2012

Feed Others Your Attention

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 8:00 am

You know how it is when you’re talking to someone on the phone and they just “go away?” You hear a stealthy typing in the background and their conversation changes from full engagement to “uh huhs,” and “hmmms” and other distracted grunts? Annoying, isn’t it? It’s bad enough when you’re in someone’s presence and they take a phone call in the middle of your conversation. Or they plunk their iPhone on the table when you sit down at lunch, effectively indicating that anything that comes in on that device is more important than what you’re going to talk about. People’s full attention is hard to get. Something else always seems to be more important than what they have here and now. That little green light on the phone demands an answer: who wants me???

There is no remedy for bad manners. They best you can do is politely ask for someone to be present with you and come back to the conversation when they wander. And we always know the precise moment they do wander. You have a right to be heard, and you have a right to ask for someone’s full attention. The challenge comes when it’s a client that’s being rude or a boss who’s abusing your time. In cases like this it takes your greatest courtesy. You need to ask as nicely as possible for them to respect the effort you’ve put into the presentation. You might point out that you need their full attention because you respect their expertise so much and you need their input. You understand that they are busy people but it would be helpful if they could briefly set aside their distractions since their full attention is so important to the success of your project. Appeal to their egos.

Keep an eye on how you show up with your own use of devices as well. How do you wield your technology? Are you interrupting conversations or letting calls go to voice mail? Unless you have a bona fide emergency there is nothing so important as the person you are with. That respect will pay off in the long run.

We are all hungry for courtesy, attention, and for someone to truly listen to us. Devices are here to bring us together, not get in the way of our ability to talk to each other.

October 30, 2012

How We Feed Ourselves

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 5:12 pm

If America’s obesity trend continues at its current pace, all 50 states could have obesity rates above 44 percent by 2030, according to a new report from Trust for America’s Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.

A few days ago I stood in front of the Southern Region Education Board, an organization that supports the graduation of minority PhD students, mostly African American. In the last month, I had received a call from my “sister” Shari, one of four Black children I grew up with in Central Florida and called my second family. My Black “sister” Jackie had just died of obesity-related diabetes. Shari will die of it too if she continues to eat the way her mother, Christine, my other “mother,” fed us all. Christine died of obesity-related diabetes.

To an audience filled with some of the most brilliant minds in American I told this story, and begged them to reconsider their eating habits. Jackie had been only 61 when she slipped into a diabetic coma. “It’s criminal,” I said, “To lose anyone that young. I am standing in front of America’s brain trust. We cannot afford to lose you.”

It’s not just the minority community that suffers from obesity. It’s all of us. Many of us have gained and lost weight many times over. We lull ourselves into believing we can do it again and dig into that pizza while we watch the NFL or Survivor. We are in serious trouble. What we say to ourselves has everything to do with it.

If we are abusive to ourselves in the mirror, we’re likely to go bury our hurt in comfort food. I’ve done it. If we have a hurtful parent or spouse who constantly harangues us about our weight, we will fight back by eating even more. I’ve done it. We are mammals and we have our appetites. However, every seven years our bodies are completely remade- the cells, even our bones are newly remade. And we can fundamentally remake ourselves. I’ve done it. It starts with changing that internal conversation and speaking to ourselves as we are right now with respect, honor and regard. I know we can do this.

Most of us know perfectly well how to eat. We know about the food groups. We know to reach for that apple instead of the brownie. And life is full of mini choices all day long. We win some, lose others. When we miss something at ten, it doesn’t blow the day. Choose better next time. Change the internal conversation. It’s not about a magic pill or bariatric surgery. It’s about choices.

We need you out there, we need you coaching and mentoring your kids. As it is, our kids are getting diabetes and hypertension before they’re teenagers because they are obese. Change the conversation. They’ll do what you do. That’s how we turn this around.

October 22, 2012

How We Talk to Ourselves

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:41 am

Several weeks ago, my big brother took his life, at only 61. I hadn’t seen him in seven years, and had learned of him through his girlfriend on Facebook. She contacted me and I listened to her explain the circumstances while I sat in my car, stunned. How could a multi-talented, athletic, literary, motivated and capable man end up dead in a car, having given up on life altogether?

As I listened to her piece together the last years of my brother’s life I heard the thread. She quoted him as repeatedly saying that he was “only taking up space.” That he “couldn’t make her happy.” Other toxic comments, clearly taken out of what he was saying repeatedly to himself.

She had spent years trying to bolster him, and redirect his thinking. Unfortunately, my brother would pull events out of his childhood and angrily focus on them as reasons to be bitter, reasons he wasn’t happy or successful today. She would point out that each day was a day to recreate possibilities but he wasn’t open to such words.

My brother was subject to terrible mood swings, and had prescriptions he refused to take. As a result, he had alienated all but one or two of his lifelong friends. By the time he took his life, he had few left who were invested in his future, and he took this as proof that no one cared any more. This added greater toxicity to his internal conversation.

The truth is that he had, and made choices. Like all of us, he had pain in his life. He also had the choice to allow that pain to make him stronger, more compassionate, wiser. Instead, the WordFood he fed himself was bitter and self pitying.

I loved my brother and I am sorry that the world lost a talented man. But Peter talked himself into a selfish act that damaged a great many people.

It speaks to how powerful self talk can be, that we can persuade ourselves to take away the greatest single gift we have been given: the right to live, to be, to thrive, to make a difference.

As I wake up each day, I thank my big brother for the reminder of the sacred gift that we are all given, to speak to ourselves with the respect we deserve, to honor the journey we are on, to ask for help and guidance through the tough stuff which is inevitable and important, and to embrace each day with all its challenges with humor, dignity and courage.

October 11, 2012

Energy Enhancers: Magical WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 11:42 am

It seems that we call need a little boost once in a while, and that we can never get enough positive input from each other. The problem is that we are faced with so much negativity: bosses that are catching us doing something wrong. Parents that are criticizing us. A spouse finding this or that imperfection. Add this to how critical we already are of ourselves and boy, it can be tough getting out of bed in the morning. In a society that demands the best of us, every day, it  can be pretty defeating.

That’s why Energy Enhancers, my favorite form of WordFood, are so important. These are the compliments, the acknowledgements that we pay each other – and ourselves- every single day that keep us focused on what’s right. And there is a lot about what we do every day that is right, and good, and worthwhile.

It’s so important to begin with looking at ourselves and giving us the credit we deserve for the work we produce, for taking care of business, for caring for those we love, for doing our best. We know when we don’t. And we know when we fall short. There is no such thing as perfection. Sometimes a little pat on the back goes a long way. This isn’t about grandiosity, this is about taking credit for showing up, for being there, for caring.

The other habit is to offer compliments first. In a world where there isn’t enough acknowledgment going around, it starts with us. A kind word offered to a coworker about showing up early, or doing yeoman’s work on a project can go a long way towards making her day. A reminder to a child that you noticed he cleaned up his room means a lot. Telling a spouse how handsome he looks in that new shirt puts a glow on his face. Just noticing isn’t enough. Saying so out loud makes all the difference. When you’re willing to make someone’s day, it’s amazing how quickly this  comes back around to you in some form later on, from someone else.

WordFood Energy Enhancers leave others uplifted and energized. They make up for a rough start to the day. Long hours. Bullying at school. They can soothe hurts and take away insecure thoughts. Beginning with how we speak to ourselves in the mirror in the morning, Energy Enhancers can change the fundamental conversation with our spirit, and that flows out into the breakfast table and to work every day. The effect on those around us is stunning.

When you compliment others, you glow. You feel powerful, because you are affecting others’ state of mind. It is an incredible gift. In the WordFood Diet, if you do this 3-5 times every day, it will transform your world. Try it today and see if your mental and emotional states aren’t improved immediately. What goes around comes around!

October 2, 2012

Family WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 7:14 pm

A few hours ago I had a conversation with a friend who was beating herself up over a son who was having some challenges. This woman felt responsible for his life- although he is now thirty- and she continues to bail him out of constant problems from half a country away. She is angry at herself  because she can’t save him, because he’s a troubled person, because of a laundry list of crimes she imagines.

This internal dialogue has cost her a great deal. She has put on fifty pounds. Once a svelte size 8, she now is a size 16-18. She berates what she sees in the mirror. She has a gym membership she never uses. She has a husband who cooks food that adds to the problem. Her ex-husband and daughter rail at her for her commitment to the troubled son.

What I saw was someone who was drawing a set of circumstances to her to provide a wonderful opportunity to grow. To set boundaries. To make some powerful choices about life and love and food and family and bad habits. In her early sixties, this woman has plenty of time to make some fundamental, important changes, changes that will take time and patience, starting with how she addresses herself in the mirror every morning. Because it isn’t about the son or the family or the food or the body, it is about her relationship with herself, and how she chooses to live out her last thirty years- in slavery to the habits of a lifetime, or learning to live life for herself.

Her son needs help, but not from her. The dynamics are toxic. He can get professional help where he is. She is going to start walking. And go back to the gym. Swtich from heavy carbs to more salads. One small step at a time. But it all starts with the respect offered to the image in the mirror. A boundary set with the part that wants to criticize the image.

Family isn’t perfect. Boundaries are important. Set with loving WordFood they can save a life, put us back on track to self respect and peace.

September 25, 2012

The BallPark Diet

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 6:32 am

We all know someone who talks about one thing and one thing only. Who focuses on sports or technology, intentionally talks over our heads to let us know how smart they are (and how dumb we are). Or someone who absolutely loves shopping and shoes and can’t talk about much of anything else. While we might tolerate this, like the folks at the office who put up with March Madness every year, it gets old after a while. I call this the BallPark Diet. People who are a one-trick pony, who have a comfort zone and like to stay in a lane.

Sometimes they do this because it’s a passion of theirs. Perhaps it’s their hobby, like collecting trains or skydiving. For other people it’s because they are insecure in other areas of their lives and this is how they express their confidence by talking about the one thing they do know a lot about. Either way, it’s a narrow focus. It limits their ability to relate to the larger world, and in some cases, it annoys those who want to engage them.

When faced with these folks you can try several strategies. You can learn their language, and join in. You can stay on the fringe of the conversation and invite them to join you and talk about something that is similar but not exactly the same, and ask their opinion, thereby expanding their horizon. You can challenge their viewpoint and get them a little riled up and thinking. Ask their opinion and let them be the expert, but then guide them subtly to other areas of conversation.

However it might work to your advantage. I had a client  who worked for a large company in Illinois. They were having an event and needed a speaker. For the longest time I couldn’t get his attention about using me for his event. Then on one half hour conference call, instead of talking about my speaking program I started out by talking about Jay Culter, Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher of the Bears. We spent twenty of our thirty minutes talking football. The last ten minutes he couldn’t do enough to help me speak for him.

It helps to find out what someone’s BallPark Diet is and to do your research. You can use it to your advantage.

September 17, 2012

Send it Back to the Chef With Kindness

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:31 am

You know how it feels when someone feeds you toxic WordFood. It’s tempting to hurl it right back, to be offended, to be hurt. However, there are other choices in our toolbox when someone is “in their stuff” and out of sorts.

We may have said or done something offensive without realizing it. In our increasingly diverse culture, this is easier to do. Sometimes no matter our best intentions, we may say something that years ago may have been innocent but in today’s climate is an insult.

They’re having a bad day, coming in from a tough family situation, walked out of a previous argument. You have no idea about someone else’s emotional state unless it’s written on their face and body language- and it often is- but not always.

So what can we do when we get a bad reaction, when someone insults or hurts us with toxic WordFood?

We can send it back to the “chef” with kindness, by saying “I’m sure you didn’t mean to say it that way. Perhaps what you’re trying to say is…” or “Thanks for letting me know your feelings. How can we now work together?”
By not taking things personally, you rise above the situation, and let the person keep their dignity. They’ll appreciate your graciousness.

Or, internally “spit it out.” If you’re on the receiving end of insults, you have to let this information and ugliness go through you, not into you. Understand that for whatever reason, the other person is in pain, and is inflicting it on you. As hard as it may be to not take insults personally, the higher road requires that you offer compassion. You are all right with you- it’s the other person who’s got a problem. This takes courage on your part. In the end, if you’re willing to let them work out their anger and frustration without engaging, you will be whole. They might or might not be apologetic. But you didn’t buy into the garbage they were feeding you.

Every one of us is subject to anger and frustration. In those moments we may fire off toxic WordFood to those around us that we regret. If we’re lucky, our friends, coworkers and loved ones will keep in mind our momentary madness. We all do it, and by offering this forgiveness to others, we can do it for ourselves.

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