WordFood

WordFood - how we feed or starve our realtionships

- Julia Hubbel

Julia’s ability to get this group of type-A executives to engage in true networking was incredible. She is truly skilled at motivating the group to engage and interact with each other, and her openness and honesty really come through.

— Shelley Stewart, Jr.,
Senior Vice President of Operational Excellence and Chief Procurement Officer, Tyco

April 8, 2013

The WordFood of Authenticity

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 2:16 pm

Damien and LaTeicia had known each other for more than twenty years. To LaTeicia, Damien was arrogant, he threw his weight around, he pushed his successes in others’ faces. He’d enjoyed considerable acclaim as a speaker and author, even a recording artist. She considered him a friend, but not close. Her impressions were locked in stone. LaTeicia was also a speaker but her career had seen many ups and downs. Damien intimidated her, and she avoided asking for advice for fear of ridicule. They had affable, but superficial conversations.

Damien’s career was derailed by a serious illness. His income stream trickled to droplets. To start over and rebuild be began offering his services as a coach. When LaTeicia heard, she called to sign up.

As a new coach, Damien was learning his skills. LaTeicia found herself providing him feedback on what worked and what didn’t, and they began to find success together. Her skills improved as his coaching became more focused and effective. Along the way, Damien began to reveal more of his background, and LaTeicia experienced his softer side.

At one point LaTeicia told Damien about how she had feared his disapproval. Been uncomfortable with his arrogance and way of being. Damien took her comments in thoughtfully.  He’d had no idea. He told her how much respect he’d always had for LaTeicia. How proud he was of her skills and her progress. Her courageous WordFood opened the door to an authentic conversation that transformed their professional and personal relationships.

By speaking honestly to Damien, LaTeicia took a chance on a deeper connection. By listening to LaTeicia, Damien was able to understand his impact others. They have collaborated for three years, produced several books, and LaTeicia’s skills continue to improve. She was willing to remove Damien from the prison her previous assumptions had kept him in for twenty years. And Damien was willing to receive feedback about how his behavior was affecting others.

If you are keeping someone in prison because of impressions, try authentic WordFood. Chances are good that your world may change for the better.

April 6, 2013

Daily WordFood Diet

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:58 am

“I hate my life!”

Those are the words a dear friend expressed in an email a few weeks ago. She was frustrated with her job, she couldn’t see her grandkids because of a tiff with her son, her house wouldn’t sell, her weight loss plan wasn’t working. She was lonely.

My friend Alicia is lovely, looks half her age, is talented and smart, is certainly not obese. She has many things to be thankful for but she can’t see them.

Her choice of words is instructive. While there are times that you may have felt this way about your life, sometimes it makes sense to consider this: the words you say and the thoughts you think are like prayers. Everything you think goes out into the Universe as a request. So when Alicia, who wants very much for the conditions of her life to change, speaks negatively about her life, she is effectively asking for more of the same.

Your thoughts- all of them- minute to minute, day to day, carry your intentions into a highly responsive Universe. If you are sending out negativity, bile, anger and bitterness, it is no wonder that things may not be going well. If you send out gratitude, graciousness, wonder and joy, then these are what get returned.  This is perhaps why it’s so confusing at times. You go to church on Sunday, or say prayers periodically and ask fervently for better conditions. Then you find fault, complain, are angry all the time because your situation doesn’t change to your liking. Ever heard of the Law of Attraction?

No matter what shape you are in, your body allows you to see the sunsets, listen to a child’s laugh, enjoy a good football game, eat a great meal, look at your family’s faces, pet your beloved animal, smell popcorn. Without your body, these things aren’t available to you. For someone facing imminent death, they would trade anything to be in your body, no matter how thunderous your thighs or the size of your Visa bill. Life is a privilege.

Your words carry great power. Listen to your thoughts, your words. Listen carefully to your internal conversation, your demands. You are being heard.

Joel Osteen once said on a radio interview that his advice for everyone, everywhere was to find something to be grateful for every day. This is one habit that will serve you enormously. Find reasons for joy, laughter, saying thanks. And watch the conditions around you shift.

March 25, 2013

Bread & Water Diet

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 3:44 pm

Adam has a boss who drove him nuts. As a new associate in his financial services firm, he was eager to learn as much as he could to get ahead. When he first interviewed with Nancy, he got the impression that she was going to groom him for great things. In fact,that was why he took the job. After the first few months, she’s largely left him on his own. These days, she simply drops by his cubicle and leaves him curt instructions.

“Get this to me by Thursday.”

“See Jeff about this and then do a report on it by the end of the month.”

Adam, who appreciates being coached, feels like he’s getting a pretty thin diet. He’s getting instructions, but no development, no mentoring. As time goes on he’s getting more frustrated, and he’s starting to think he made the wrong decision. On the other hand, has he been performing badly? What has gone wrong?

In my book WordFood: How We Feed or Starve Our Relationships, this is the Bread & Water Diet. Adam’s getting just enough to function but not to thrive. Yet he’s also making some assumptions about Nancy that may not be accurate.

It’s quite possible that Nancy has been so impressed by Adam that she feels he doesn’t need input from her. She compliments him by minimizing her role and letting him take the initiative.

It’s also quite possible that Nancy is overwhelmed with work right now and her lack of interaction is indicative of her lack of time.

Another angle is that Nancy is dealing with personal issues, and this is the best she can muster.

Or at worst, perhaps she sees Adam as a threat to her job, which she hadn’t anticipated. This is her way of keeping him from advancing.

Any of these scenarios, and a hundred more, could be true. For Adam to assume that it’s all about him is self-centered thinking. He isn’t privy to her thoughts, and projecting his fears onto her is unfair, and inevitably leads to a bad outcome.

Here are some solid strategies for Adam to move Nancy towards a more Balanced interaction:

  • Offer support and reinforcement. Determine if you’re the problem, find out why and have an honest conversation to clear the air.
  • Ask for specifics. Keep asking until you get answers. You may need to ask for an outside intervention if you get resistance.
  • Put yourself in Nancy’s shoes. You only just started. Use the power of perspective to see where she might be coming from.
  • Find out what Nancy is hungry for. Better communication? Reporting? More space? See if you can provide it.
  • Does Nancy need an empathetic ear? Ask a few discreet questions and see if this is  the real need.
  • If you get avoidance or grunts, start the conversation on safe ground, areas of commonality. Then work up to the tough stuff.

It’s easy to get caught up in our version of what’s what rather than consider the myriad other potential factors that could be pressing on another person’s behavior. It may not be about you at all. If Adam can remain open, soft and curious he may discover that Nancy has just lost her beloved father to cancer, and she has been in mourning.

You came here to serve. By taking the ME out of the picture, you can find how.

March 21, 2013

WordFood about Food

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 11:43 am

A client recently asked me to put together a program about weight loss. I had told her that 26 years ago I had let go of 80 pounds and kept it off. Because her Fortune 500 company got requests from their employees about this topic all the time, I agreed. It was the beginning of a very important journey.

First of all, language is so important. The huge diet industry is $61 billion strong in America. I had spent much of my life up to my early thirties gaining and losing hundreds if not thousands of pounds. Like everyone else, my brain used the same language- lose the weight. What happens when you lose your keys, your purse, your wallet? The subconscious, which is a dutiful servant, sends its bloodhound out to find it, and it always does. With weight, not only does it find what you lost, but inevitably a few, or many, pounds more. Mission accomplished. Until the language changed, the cycle never changed. When I released it, it started to go permanently.

As a compulsive eater, like many others in America, my habits derived from the conversation that began in early childhood. As Geneen Roth writes about in Women, Food and God, a Voice (a parent, an authority figure) tells you that you’re subhuman, or worse. And you adopt that Voice as adult. Because it’s painful, you want to dial it down, and to do so, you eat. A lot. Or you develop a compulsive habit.

It’s not about the weight, it was never about the weight. Fact is, you can diet yourself down to 99 pounds and the Voice is still there.

My process was much like the story of Monsters Inc., where the characters Mike and Sully end up helping the human child Boo deal with her scary monster Randall. Boo vanquishes her fear, and they all learn that her laughter is a much more potent power source than screams.

A good comedian takes material from his own life- tragedy+ time=comedy. Like Boo, it was taking what was once scary and awful and seeing it in a completely different light. In my case I asked what Robin Williams would do with this situation. In most cases I nearly fell on the floor. With laughter came healing- and the ability to redirect that powerful energy around food into positive projects.

It’s not about the weight. It never was about the weight. It’s about being able to face the fears that we all have and say to them, “Kitty!”

March 13, 2013

WordFood to Connect

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 3:42 pm

My assistant Brenda sent me an email for an order of twenty WordFood books from a local office here in Denver. They needed them right away and so I called as soon as I had a free moment to take care of the request.

Jan and I spoke briefly about her interest in the book, and then I mentioned the new program I was working on, WordFood: Nourishing Your Essence. It’s a program about dealing with obesity and compulsion, part my story and part how to end the constant battles of dieting and start feeding the part of us that truly needs to be fed- in other words, it’s not about the weight, and never was about the weight.

Jan sighed, and shared that she, too, has dealt with this for many years. I’d just spent the entire weekend writing much of the speech and digging up old stories, and I shared a few with her. As all comedians know, pain + time = comedy, and pretty soon, Jan was laughing right along with me. As someone who has spent a lifetime putting up a front of perfection when behind that wall all hell was breaking loose, this was a chance to find out how it felt to tell the truth, and to laugh.

Not only was it great fun, Jan found herself in my tales of the bags of Oreos at the checkout counter and in her best poker face telling the clerk they were for a “Party.”  Or convincing a boyfriend that I just couldn’t put on weight, and his opening a mostly unused closet door to find hundreds of packages of cookies, chocolate and cakes- my stash. We howled.

The power of WordFood is its ability to create real connections. Jan was able to see the humor in behavior that she found repugnant. Just these few moments allowed us to build a deep understanding between us – “I know your pain” – because we chose to share something private and important. It’s the beginning of healing.

Sometimes by dragging a monster into the light much of its size and ferocity is lost. Laughing at it removes a great deal of its hold on you. Realizing that others have walked this path and like St. George, have slayed the dragon, is help of the highest sort. While the first step is the hardest, being willing to share honestly shines the light of day on lies that have lain in darkness for years.

Jan graced me with a gift: the reminder that by sharing the deepest stories, we touch the deepest part of others. Our WordFood sets others free.

These opportunities happen on a park bench, in the gym, at coffee with a friend, on an airline flight. You have the ability to transform a life with your true story. Truth is far more powerful than fiction. WordFood works wonders.

March 5, 2013

Letting in Junk WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 10:04 am

Chances are you love junk food. Even a little bit here and there. A cookie, Doritos, some truffles, could be anything. I read last year where the three worst things you can eat are Oreos, Ritz crackers and hot dogs. Three of America’s favorite things to eat, especially Oreos. Few of us can resist.

What about Junk WordFood, which doesn’t make us fat or rot our teeth, but rots our hearts and minds? Even the best of us can revel in a little gossip, the inside skinny on someone’s troubles or scandal. When we’re talking to a friend about an annoying person, it’s so tempting to fire off our own frustrations. The other day a friend was discussing a woman we both knew, someone who was a highly accomplished and lauded woman but who also had some challenges in her personal relationships. Neither of us had been able to establish connections with her. I had strong opinions, and was sorely tempted to express them. My friend asked what I thought, and this time I simply offered that I knew she had challenges, and I wasn’t privy to them, and for my part, I couldn’t connect.

The temptation to slam this woman behind her back was real, but unfair to her and unjust. I’m quite sure I have my detractors for one reason or another, and it would be painful to hear their comments. They’re not privy to my full story, just as I’m not privy to this woman’s. We cannot know what is going on in others’ lives.

When you let Junk Word Food into your world, or pour it into others’, you’re adding garbage to the atmosphere. You sully the waters and create hurt that can sometimes backfire. Your words have the power to damage, not just the people you’re criticizing, but also yourself, because they affect your state of mind. When you refuse to take part in gossip and tearing others down, you keep your heart and mind clean. You also set the standard for others to follow.

Like Oreos and Ritz and hot dogs, Junk WordFood is tempting, but it does damage. When those opportunities come to participate in gossip or character assassination, just walk away. You’ll feel lighter, better and stronger when you do.

February 19, 2013

WordFood of Accounts

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 7:34 am

All day long people irritate and annoy us. During the work day or in our interactions with family, small and big issues come up, and we find ourselves put off by someone’s lack of courtesy, respect, or regard for our feelings. Their words hurt, offend, insult. Many times, it’s easy to hang on to these offenses and they build, until such time as we have a very large bank account of hurts that we hold against a person. All the slights, the insults over time. These give us our right to harbor anger, bitterness, and a slew of ugly feelings against someone- or a great many people- because we feel we are owed better treatment.

This is called holding “accounts.”

The truth is that this is like taking poison and hoping that others will suffer for it-yet we are the ones who are suffering the damage of the poison. The ugly thoughts and vengefulness is coursing through us, not them. In many cases these people have no idea what they have done if we haven’t expressed our feelings, haven’t gently drawn a line in the sand because we’re a people pleaser or we’re afraid of confrontation. Perhaps you continue through your days week after week, month after month, until you ultimately explode on the other person, in such an expression of bile and viciousness that the relationship ends abruptly. And they are mystified and hurt, because they didn’t see this coming.

There is a way to completely cancel these accounts, but it takes courage, and the willingness to see the gift that others bring us. If you are willing, every time someone does something that is hurtful or insulting, to immediately ask yourself: “where do I see this in myself?” you can stop the buildup of anger right away. The truth is that people are mirrors to our own behavior. Whatever is done to us, we likely have done to others, that same potential exists in us. To admit that this exists in our humanness is humbling, and it also cancels any accounts that might build with someone else. And it’s immediately freeing.

The other day I was slightly late to an appointment with my coach, and when I got to his office I made a little joke. “The only time you get stuck behind a little old lady with her foot on the brake is when you’re late,” I said, trying to be funny. He pointed out, “How many times have you driven people behind you crazy when you’ve gone slowly, looking for an address?” Point taken. It was a small account, but an account nonetheless. They happen all day long, any time we feel anger with others.

If you are willing to face your irritation or hurt and realize that this is an opportunity to see this feature in yourself, and that this has nothing whatsoever to do with the other person, you can immediately let the emotion go. You can live free of bitterness, anger and ugly thoughts. Free of accounts. It has nothing to do with forgiveness, it has only to do with seeing yourself as you are, not some idealized view of being right all the time. And that leads to true joy.

February 12, 2013

Truthful WordFood for Customers

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 1:17 pm

Last year was an exciting time, as I was preparing to re-enter the world of scuba diving after a long hiatus away. In 2002 I had gone to Africa for an adventure dive and during an interview with a professional diver, had bought a Poseidon regulator from him at a deep discount. This regulator would normally retail at around $700 and they normally last about 25 years or more. Poseidon is one of the world’s best manufacturers with an excellent reputation. Mine had been in the basement for 10 years, so I took it to the dive shop closest to me.

They tested it and it had a free flowing air problem. The manager told me that I’d have to replace it, that there were no Poseidon dealers in this country and that no one repaired them. I was looking at a major investment, and I didn’t have the cash to do it just then. I continued with my pool skills with their instructor and planned to rent the gear in country.

However, I mentioned this to the instructor. He said, without directly contradicting the manager, that I might check into it more thoroughly. I went to Poseidon.com and immediately saw that Denver Divers not only was a Poseidon dealer but they also handled repairs, just a few miles away. I called them and talked to their repair guy. Very quickly we discerned that my problem was a simple fix, well under $200, and I took my reg to them that same day.

The other thing about the original dive shop manager was that he constantly harangued me about money. Pool time with the instructor cost, and so did solo pool time. I paid in advance or right on time. As a small business owner myself, I’m sensitive to issues of cash flow. This habit of coming after me for $25 got incredibly annoying- and combined with the dishonesty about the Poseidon dealership and repair availability made the shop’s accessibility to my house far less important than his money grubbing.

What became perfectly clear after my dealings with Denver Divers was that this was a family owned shop that cared about the relationship first. That speaks to safety and the comfort of knowing you’re going to be cared about. These dive shop owners know that many of us can buy gear on line for less. They have to find other ways to engage us, earn our trust, and in the process, we will want to reward them by buying from them and going on trips with them. The other dive shop manager, by lying outright about the regulator, in a world where a couple of clicks online will instantly prove him wrong, lost a customer and also, I tell others about it, too. These owners all know each other, so ignorance is no excuse. It’s a small community.

I’m old school in that I will first take someone’s word for granted. I’m glad I asked my instructor and did the research. A few extra miles’ drive is a small price to pay to work with friends and go on trips where your wallet isn’t the main point of interest.

In a tough economy, it is ever more important to put people first. To feed people WordFood that makes them feel valued and important. It’s the customer relationship that brings us back. I was reminded of Miracle on 34th Street, where Santa told customers where to find the best deal, and the store earned many repeat customers. Had the original manager helped me find a repair shop, he’d have earned my trust, and my loyalty. Instead, the exchange was toxic, and irretrievable.

Customers have access to too much information for a brick and mortar shop not to treat them with respect. Loyalty is earned, and we will give it back, where a business owner doesn’t grasp. When we go out of our way to serve delicious WordFood, customers will always come back for more.

December 25, 2012

WordFood for Christmas Dinner

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 6:24 pm

It’s here, it’s Christmas, and in a few hours I’m going to be joining my adopted family for the seventh time for dinner on this most wonderful of holidays. My friend Jill has a large extended family and a number of years ago, they opened up their hearts to invite me to join them for the three Christmas events they enjoy each year. Since then, this 10-day excursion has become one of the most beloved of my annual events. My parents passed many years ago, and my brother died this past year, so the Smith family has become where my heart is for the holidays.

The Smiths open presents on Christmas Eve, so last night we all gathered around the fireplace while the youngest boys struggled to help pile the gifts at the appropriate feet. We start with the youngest first and end with Jill’s mother. This takes several hours, as we all love to ooooh and aaaaaah over what the children get, and take our time exclaiming over our goodies.

When it was my turn, I had a card from Jill’s 93-year-old mother, Deen, which I opened first. Deen can never figure out what to give me, but this time she nailed it. It wasn’t the package of list pads. It was what she wrote in her card. In her spidery hand, she expressed her pleasure at having me join the family every Christmas, and how she saw me as her second “daughter.” Those words were WordFood of the first order, more nutritious that the luscious dinner Jill always serves, more important to me than what we will eat tonight. They cemented my place in this beloved group of people. Nothing could have touched me more deeply. And no gift could have meant more.

As we all sit down to Christmas dinner, it will be food for our bodies and also for our souls, that we share stories and laughter with those we love. And we send prayers for those who have left us this year. For those who are with us, it’s time we give them the gift of words that transform, as Deen gave me. No physical gift can uplift as much as kind words, that enfold and include, and remind us that we are loved.  That is what the spirit of Christmas is truly all about.

December 18, 2012

WordFood of Truth

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Julia Hubbel @ 10:27 am

Last week at a lunch with a long term dear friend and mentor, something truly significant happened between us that was long overdue. We’ve known each other for more than thirty years, and she is in her nineties now. This is a woman I hold in the highest regard, someone I try to emulate in many ways. She is a lifetime athlete, and her no nonsense approach to healthcare and her brain have ensured that she is active and engaged at a time when most people are sitting in a wheelchair and given up on life. In fact, this past year she got involved in a brand new nanotech company- quite a statement for someone in her ninth decade.

As we sat together, she made an offhanded comment that was quite cruel in its impact. In fact it hurt me so much that I broke into tears. The implication of her words made it clear that she had no idea of how much I invested in our relationship, how important she was to me, and the regard I had for her.

In many cases, we run for the bathroom, take care of business, get things under control and finish lunch. Don’t talk about it because it’s just too hard. In this case the remark hurt so much that I found myself crying hard – but I stayed at the table. My friend didn’t quite know what to make of it. What happened, once I was able, was that I told her. And there ensued the kind of honest, heartfelt exchange that simply doesn’t happen often enough between people.

This woman and I don’t see each other often, and while I’ve tried hard to communicate my feelings and respect, it apparently landed on deaf ears. Until her unkind remark, she simply didn’t understand her importance in my life. The impact her words and advice had on me. While it clearly made her uncomfortable to hear what I had to say, it opened a door between us when I explained that I recognized that the time we had was short and that was the reason I was scheduling a monthly lunch to make sure we had exchanges. I took nothing for granted any more. She sees things very differently now, and it means a great deal to her.

Sometimes it takes a moment of real emotional discomfort to create the kind deep connection that we truly want. It’s never too late. Had I left the table, “gotten myself under control” and not said what I truly felt, this woman and I would not have moved to where we are now.

True emotions are frightening, terrifying, hair raising. But like any rollercoaster, ultimately they take us somewhere, often to a greater understanding. When we feed each other WordFood of truth, how we truly feel, without accusation or anger, we reach another shoreline. It may be a new land, but it is often the land we’ve always wanted to live in with this person. Certainly for me with this wonderful woman it was worth the deep discomfort of sitting with my tears and speaking the truth to her. Having her understand my deep and abiding love for her was an extraordinary Christmas gift for us both.

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