WordFood

WordFood - how we feed or starve our realtionships

- Julia Hubbel

Julia’s ability to get this group of type-A executives to engage in true networking was incredible. She is truly skilled at motivating the group to engage and interact with each other, and her openness and honesty really come through.

— Shelley Stewart, Jr.,
Senior Vice President of Operational Excellence and Chief Procurement Officer, Tyco

October 11, 2012

Energy Enhancers: Magical WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 11:42 am

It seems that we call need a little boost once in a while, and that we can never get enough positive input from each other. The problem is that we are faced with so much negativity: bosses that are catching us doing something wrong. Parents that are criticizing us. A spouse finding this or that imperfection. Add this to how critical we already are of ourselves and boy, it can be tough getting out of bed in the morning. In a society that demands the best of us, every day, it  can be pretty defeating.

That’s why Energy Enhancers, my favorite form of WordFood, are so important. These are the compliments, the acknowledgements that we pay each other – and ourselves- every single day that keep us focused on what’s right. And there is a lot about what we do every day that is right, and good, and worthwhile.

It’s so important to begin with looking at ourselves and giving us the credit we deserve for the work we produce, for taking care of business, for caring for those we love, for doing our best. We know when we don’t. And we know when we fall short. There is no such thing as perfection. Sometimes a little pat on the back goes a long way. This isn’t about grandiosity, this is about taking credit for showing up, for being there, for caring.

The other habit is to offer compliments first. In a world where there isn’t enough acknowledgment going around, it starts with us. A kind word offered to a coworker about showing up early, or doing yeoman’s work on a project can go a long way towards making her day. A reminder to a child that you noticed he cleaned up his room means a lot. Telling a spouse how handsome he looks in that new shirt puts a glow on his face. Just noticing isn’t enough. Saying so out loud makes all the difference. When you’re willing to make someone’s day, it’s amazing how quickly this  comes back around to you in some form later on, from someone else.

WordFood Energy Enhancers leave others uplifted and energized. They make up for a rough start to the day. Long hours. Bullying at school. They can soothe hurts and take away insecure thoughts. Beginning with how we speak to ourselves in the mirror in the morning, Energy Enhancers can change the fundamental conversation with our spirit, and that flows out into the breakfast table and to work every day. The effect on those around us is stunning.

When you compliment others, you glow. You feel powerful, because you are affecting others’ state of mind. It is an incredible gift. In the WordFood Diet, if you do this 3-5 times every day, it will transform your world. Try it today and see if your mental and emotional states aren’t improved immediately. What goes around comes around!

October 2, 2012

Family WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 7:14 pm

A few hours ago I had a conversation with a friend who was beating herself up over a son who was having some challenges. This woman felt responsible for his life- although he is now thirty- and she continues to bail him out of constant problems from half a country away. She is angry at herself  because she can’t save him, because he’s a troubled person, because of a laundry list of crimes she imagines.

This internal dialogue has cost her a great deal. She has put on fifty pounds. Once a svelte size 8, she now is a size 16-18. She berates what she sees in the mirror. She has a gym membership she never uses. She has a husband who cooks food that adds to the problem. Her ex-husband and daughter rail at her for her commitment to the troubled son.

What I saw was someone who was drawing a set of circumstances to her to provide a wonderful opportunity to grow. To set boundaries. To make some powerful choices about life and love and food and family and bad habits. In her early sixties, this woman has plenty of time to make some fundamental, important changes, changes that will take time and patience, starting with how she addresses herself in the mirror every morning. Because it isn’t about the son or the family or the food or the body, it is about her relationship with herself, and how she chooses to live out her last thirty years- in slavery to the habits of a lifetime, or learning to live life for herself.

Her son needs help, but not from her. The dynamics are toxic. He can get professional help where he is. She is going to start walking. And go back to the gym. Swtich from heavy carbs to more salads. One small step at a time. But it all starts with the respect offered to the image in the mirror. A boundary set with the part that wants to criticize the image.

Family isn’t perfect. Boundaries are important. Set with loving WordFood they can save a life, put us back on track to self respect and peace.

September 25, 2012

The BallPark Diet

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 6:32 am

We all know someone who talks about one thing and one thing only. Who focuses on sports or technology, intentionally talks over our heads to let us know how smart they are (and how dumb we are). Or someone who absolutely loves shopping and shoes and can’t talk about much of anything else. While we might tolerate this, like the folks at the office who put up with March Madness every year, it gets old after a while. I call this the BallPark Diet. People who are a one-trick pony, who have a comfort zone and like to stay in a lane.

Sometimes they do this because it’s a passion of theirs. Perhaps it’s their hobby, like collecting trains or skydiving. For other people it’s because they are insecure in other areas of their lives and this is how they express their confidence by talking about the one thing they do know a lot about. Either way, it’s a narrow focus. It limits their ability to relate to the larger world, and in some cases, it annoys those who want to engage them.

When faced with these folks you can try several strategies. You can learn their language, and join in. You can stay on the fringe of the conversation and invite them to join you and talk about something that is similar but not exactly the same, and ask their opinion, thereby expanding their horizon. You can challenge their viewpoint and get them a little riled up and thinking. Ask their opinion and let them be the expert, but then guide them subtly to other areas of conversation.

However it might work to your advantage. I had a client  who worked for a large company in Illinois. They were having an event and needed a speaker. For the longest time I couldn’t get his attention about using me for his event. Then on one half hour conference call, instead of talking about my speaking program I started out by talking about Jay Culter, Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher of the Bears. We spent twenty of our thirty minutes talking football. The last ten minutes he couldn’t do enough to help me speak for him.

It helps to find out what someone’s BallPark Diet is and to do your research. You can use it to your advantage.

September 17, 2012

Send it Back to the Chef With Kindness

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:31 am

You know how it feels when someone feeds you toxic WordFood. It’s tempting to hurl it right back, to be offended, to be hurt. However, there are other choices in our toolbox when someone is “in their stuff” and out of sorts.

We may have said or done something offensive without realizing it. In our increasingly diverse culture, this is easier to do. Sometimes no matter our best intentions, we may say something that years ago may have been innocent but in today’s climate is an insult.

They’re having a bad day, coming in from a tough family situation, walked out of a previous argument. You have no idea about someone else’s emotional state unless it’s written on their face and body language- and it often is- but not always.

So what can we do when we get a bad reaction, when someone insults or hurts us with toxic WordFood?

We can send it back to the “chef” with kindness, by saying “I’m sure you didn’t mean to say it that way. Perhaps what you’re trying to say is…” or “Thanks for letting me know your feelings. How can we now work together?”
By not taking things personally, you rise above the situation, and let the person keep their dignity. They’ll appreciate your graciousness.

Or, internally “spit it out.” If you’re on the receiving end of insults, you have to let this information and ugliness go through you, not into you. Understand that for whatever reason, the other person is in pain, and is inflicting it on you. As hard as it may be to not take insults personally, the higher road requires that you offer compassion. You are all right with you- it’s the other person who’s got a problem. This takes courage on your part. In the end, if you’re willing to let them work out their anger and frustration without engaging, you will be whole. They might or might not be apologetic. But you didn’t buy into the garbage they were feeding you.

Every one of us is subject to anger and frustration. In those moments we may fire off toxic WordFood to those around us that we regret. If we’re lucky, our friends, coworkers and loved ones will keep in mind our momentary madness. We all do it, and by offering this forgiveness to others, we can do it for ourselves.

September 11, 2012

WordFood for our Competitors

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 5:37 am

It’s football season again, and for those of us who love gridiron the preseason games have been on for weeks already. Those of us here in Denver have been particularly excited because we were able to secure Peyton Manning in the off season, and he’s been a source of excitement for us as we’ve approached opening day. While Tebow supporters, and I was among them, were sad to see the exciting young man go to the Jets, we were very enthusiastic to see the experienced four-time MVP Manning come to the Broncos and give our franchise hope for the playoffs.

What characterizes both of these players, however, is how they treat their teammates. Both of them are great leaders on and off the field. Tebow is unabashed about his faith, and supportive of everyone around him. He is loved by his teammates. He has nothing but good things to say about his competitors, helps them up off the ground and gives them encouraging words.

A little known fact about Manning is that he writes a warm letter to retiring players when they leave the NFL, thanking them for being a competitor. His courtesy and respect for those he plays against make him the consummate sportsman.

On Sunday, the Broncos won the game against the Steelers in the opening salvo. Manning immediately sought out Ben Rothlisberger, the opposing quarterback. As they hugged and shook hands, Manning said, “You were amazing on third downs tonight.”
In a game where trash talk and gang posturing has become the norm, men like Manning and Tebow continue to keep the standard high. They like and respect their opponents, and speak to them with regard. Their example is a lesson to us all.

September 4, 2012

Feeding the Family WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:49 am

I have a friend who has a brother who got involved with a survivalist movement a few years back. His politics are radical to say the least. He has collected a basement full of guns and ammunition, and he gives considerable funds that he can hardly afford to movements that support far right wing activities based on fear and hate.  Conversations are challenging, political discussions impossible. Yet talk they do, their connection by blood immutable, their bond unbreakable, and my friend’s commitment to his brother unshakable despite the differences.

In a divisive election year, feelings are high. In close families, family members get in terrible arguments over jobs or social programs, or they can’t agree over a candidate. Or maybe there are divisions over religious choices. No matter who we are, we all have relatives we deem either unfit or unworthy or black sheep or somehow no longer acceptable. Yet, they’re still family.

In the confines of families we can do our worst damage, yet that is where we can also do our greatest good, learn our most important lessons, and draw our greatest courage, if we choose. There is nothing more important than our blood connection, and learning to accept, forgive, support and love those we gave birth to, grew up with and must lay claim to as family. Even if that means we must ultimately distance ourselves from those who will self destruct, they still deserve our love. Compassion is a powerful thing.

Nothing is so painful as a sudden death which deprives you of the chance to say “I’m sorry or Please forgive me.”  Pride is a terrible price to pay when someone is gone, and you realize that a simple gesture could have healed a rift. 

Keep in mind that the imagination is a busy actor and it loves to fill silence with its own version of what someone else feels or thinks about us. And it is a terrible liar most of the time. The truth is that we cannot possibly know what another person thinks or feels about us. If there is a family rift, be the first one to heal it.

In my family, I have a cousin who has finally healed a 16-year long silence with her big brother. After years of angry stories about each other, they are talking, warmly, and they are a family again. Nothing can replace family.

What kind, healing WordFood do you need to say to a family member to rebuild a connection? Heal a wound? Ask for forgiveness? Even if you’re for Obama and they’re for Romney, it makes no difference. Love trumps politics. Love trumps everything.

August 26, 2012

Devil’s Food Diet: When to Back Down

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 6:11 pm

Every so often we are dealt a rough hand and end up working for an unreasonable boss. Or we have to deal with a particularly unpleasant customer, someone who gets in our face about a refund or an unsatisfactory meal. Perhaps we live with someone who is demanding, blustery, out of control, my way or the highway, always demanding to be right.

I call this the Devil’s Food Diet in my book WordFood: How We Feed or Starve our Relationships. Wherever this person shows up, the words that we hear are pretty awful: “You owe me.” “You’re wrong, I’m right.” “I told you about this already, get this done.” While sometimes we can steer clear of the person, sometimes we just can’t: it’s the guy in charge, we’re the customer service rep that day, we’re the manager on call, maybe it’s our boss. Or maybe it’s us.

Life is demanding, and we call get stressed. I heard a story from a friend the other day who was on her way to the airport from a rather isolated resort Marriott in Texas. Her limo had arrived early and her two bags had already been loaded in. She walked up to the door across the car from him with her purse and her roller computer bag and got in.

A long drive later through early rush hour traffic she paid her $70 and got out, and her driver unloaded her bags. “Where’s my computer bag?” she said. It had been left on the curb at the Marriott. There ensued an angry exchange about who’s fault it was that this had happened. What was immediately apparent was that they had to go back to the hotel and retrieve it.

The driver called his boss and spoke in Arabic about what to do. My friend was angry and felt foolish, but she also realized that she hadn’t pointed out to the driver that she had the extra bag. When they got to the hotel, she found her bag, but the driver stood by the car door and said that his boss demanded payment in advance or else he wouldn’t drive her back to the airport. She laughed and said, “I guarantee I’ll pay you, let’s just make my plane, please!” This convinced the young man, and they drove off.

On the way back, she said that it wasn’t anyone’s fault- and the $140 was nothing in the course of a lifetime. “It is to my boss!” the young man laughed. She explained that in the big picture it wasn’t about the money. It was about accepting responsibility. To her, she told me later, it wasn’t worth the argument or the bad feelings trying to be right. They ended up telling tales all the way to the airport, getting back in plenty of time.

The young man gave her a discount on the trip as a courtesy, and she ended up with a funny story and a mild dent in her finances. It’s possible that the young man came away with a different way of thinking about Americans- perhaps his boss, too. Such an impression could have far-reaching impact far beyond just an afternoon airport ride.

Everyone makes a foolish error that can be costly. It can be embarrassing, like my friend’s. If you feel your blood pressure rising and hear your volume go up an octave or two, it’s a great time to challenge your ego before you get swept away. Someone is going to be a loser, and ultimately it may be you. There is nothing that compares to the feelings of graciousness when you can give way to a greater good, and come away friends.

August 20, 2012

When Our Parts are Speaking WordFood

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 7:10 am

All of us are made up of personalities, or “parts,” and they show up in different circumstances. Psychology today recognizes that this isn’t multiple personality syndrome at all, but the way we all react differently in different situations, and how we may be swept away by an emotion or state of mind.

For example, let’s say you’re a grandparent and the kids are bringing over your two year old cherubs for an afternoon visit. Unfortunately, you and your husband have gotten into a rip roaring argument about the car accident you got into the the day before. There you are in the living room screaming at each other, faces contorted and red, gesticulating, looking like the devil incarnate, when the darling kids hurtle in the door. “Grammy! Grammy!” Instantly you transform into angelic Grammy and sweep them into your arms, your face is transformed, all anger forgotten. Are you schizo? Not in the slightest. These are our parts. One part of you was arguing, the other part of you is Grammy, and they are both perfectly legitimate. They both have unique egos and personalities.

Every day we are subject to the demands of life, and we speak nutritious or toxic WordFood to each other based on which part of us is in play. At times we might think later about ourselves and think, ” What I jerk I was!” But in truth, it was just a part. It’s not the whole of us.

We can get drunk on our egos, get angry at times, and not care who gets hurt. At times like this our egotistical parts can be like an out of control bowling ball and take out everyone in the room, and the next day someone taps us on the shoulder asking for an apology. At that point we’re sober again. “Who me? But I’m not like that! I’m a nice guy!” The truth is, we are like that- a part of us anyway.

We each have within us a multitude of these parts and they write checks in our name all day long. Emotions like fear, anger, frustration, love sweep us off our feet and we end up saying all kinds of things that otherwise might be withheld. It’s the legacy of being human. What’s important is to remember that we’re all like this.

Last night I was having a conversation with a dear friend and I had a part out that wasn’t very attractive. She has been through a lot of losses and it would have served me better to do more listening than talking. But true to her nature she spent a lot of time coaching and listening. It’s instructive when we can look at our parts and see them in action, and learn from them how we interact.

A few years ago during NFL season there was an ad showing cowboys herding thousands of cats. That’s what it’s like, trying to manage our parts. They are unruly, prone to rise based on our emotional state, and we will speak all kinds of WordFood when we are in their grip. If we develop a greater awareness that we have parts that can at times speak out of turn, then we can not only be more accepting of this in others, most important we can accept in ourselves.

August 16, 2012

Listening To Ourselves Talk

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 4:11 pm

The other day I went to lunch with my financial advisor, whom I hadn’t seen in several years. She asked me a perfectly reasonable question: “How’s it going?” And I told her. And went on a rant.  Two big accounts hadn’t worked out, I had worked hard on them, yadda yadda. After a while I began to listen to myself, how negative I sounded. “That’s pretty toxic,” a part of me thought,” and that’s not how I want to be in the world.” Clearly a piece of me needed to vent, which is understandable. But our words are indicative of our inner world and it’s instructive to take a look at the pictures they paint about our beliefs about ourselves and our place in life. What I was painting wasn’t pretty.

I slowed down and took a breath. My lunch partner was kind enough to replay some of what she heard. We agreed I might need to take a stress break. But more than that, the gift she gave me was the mirror. It wasn’t fun to hear myself complain. By the end of lunch we were laughing and I was over myself.

When I looked back honestly at what had cancelled, one contract was a bullet I’m glad I dodged. And the other was work that I no longer really want to do. So really, what’s been lost? Sometimes the Universe forces a major housecleaning so that new opportunities can appear. We’re so busy concentrating on what we’re losing that we’re not open to what’s possible. We focus on our losses, and can be blind to what’s coming.

My coach Lari talks about being “in question.” Holding an open space around what’s next. Being willing to not know. The way he describes it is that we need to “push away from the side of the pool.” Since I have a fear of drowning this analogy has real meaning for me. It means I dog paddle for a while in the deep end.

Lunch was a gift, a reminder of how we sometimes get swept away by life and by our negativity. I took time to consider how lucky I am and how much there is to be thankful for in all aspects of my world. Afterwards I mentally pushed away from the side of the pool and figured what would come, would come.

The next conversation I had with a new potential client was amazing. We immediately clicked. It could lead to a remarkable relationship. All signs point to a lot of potential, but more importantly, work I love for a company I respect. Had I gotten the other two accounts, this couldn’t happen.

Do you listen to how you sound? Are you lucky enough, as I was, to have someone play back your WordFood so that you can hear when you’re being toxic? These are our true friends. We all have parts that want to vent but there’s a time to put that part to pasture and make room for what’s possible. Pay attention to your words, and what they are saying about your state of mind.

August 13, 2012

Spicy Words and Mayonnaise Sayings

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — Julia Hubbel @ 9:26 am

Are you looking for ways to liven up how you speak to your loved ones? Sometimes when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, things normalize to the point where we forget to notice what’s special. It’s easy to overlook the magic, and perhaps we forget to say things that rekindle the love that we once felt. In my book WordFood: How We Feed or Starve our Relationships, I talk about how to spice up our interactions with affectionate comments such as:
“You are the cream in my coffee.”

“I hate getting out of bed with you still in it.”
“You make me want to cuddle all day.”
“You’re the magic that puts the sparkle in my life.”
“I can’t wait to put my arms around you when I see you again.”

These are the sayings that tickle our loved one’s fancy. They are reminders that someone is special and loved. Despite the demands of the day, the laundry, the long work hours, the kids’ homework, whatever the must-dos of your world, the person you chose to spend your life with is still your life’s love. When you remind them so, it makes all the difference.

Mayonnaise phrases are words that help digest heavy information, the same way that the salad dressing makes tuna more palatable. When we’re having a tough conversation with someone it’s always helpful to have some gentle phrases handy to soothe the passage of tough stuff. For example:

“I know you’ll do this well.”
“You have the fortitude to take this on.”
“You just need to believe in yourself.”
“You’re terrific at this. You’re just a little off course.”
“You’ve got the skills to get this done.”
“You have great courage.”
“Thank you for hearing me out.”

These phrases can accompany a coaching session with a teenage son or a recalcitrant employee, a challenged friend or an unhappy athlete. Whatever the situation, choose words that uplift and guide, and draw from your own experiences to show your humanity. Share your story and how you have walked a similar path. By sharing our frailties we build connections, and by building connections we build strength.

WordFood is all about feeding each other words that uplift us every day. Choose your words carefully, and see how they can make all the difference!

« Newer Posts — Older Posts »

Powered by WordPress